I'm not exactly what one would call a handyman. Sure, I can do minor repairs on things, but by and large I have no knowledge or interest in anything like construction or home improvement.
Which is why it's odd I've become a fan of a Canadian show on HGTV called "Holmes Inspection"
Basic storyline is this.
1) Uber-craftsman and inspector Mike Holmes shows up at a house. Basically this is the guy that, if he was put in charge of building the Death Star, Emperor Palpatine would be reduced to a quivering mass while Mike Holmes explains all the design flaws in the design.
2) He meets the home owners, who explain the reasons why they had an el-cheapo home inspection, or no inspection at all when they bought their house. Usually a few months afterwards, they notice the green glowing ooze down the walls, and the fact that the builders used compressed oatmeal for structural materials.
3) Mike Holmes patiently explains why This Was A Very Stupid Idea on the part of the home owners. Rather than telling them exactly why they have pencil shavings for brains, he says he'll make it right, usually in tones that makes the house try and spontaneously repair itself out of sheer terror.
4) Mike Holmes then goes though the house, locating all the problems the owners cited and finding fresh new ones. By the time he's done, you realize the house has the structural integrity of wet cardboard, and is slightly above Love Canal in toxicity. He then kicks them out of the house, more than likely to some level 4 quarantine facility for decontamination
5) At some point in the inspection, some key portions of the house will be found to be 110% mold. Indeed, one comes to the conclusion that the portion of the house in question was built out of mold.
6) Rather than tell the owners that he'll just set fire to the place and tell the insurance company it was an "electrical fault", Mike Holmes then summons the Legion of Super Builders, a team of super-powered tradespeople to come though the house and commit acts of mass destruction and renovation upon it.
7) The Legion of Super Builders proceed to gut the basement, tear up the floors, punch though the ceiling, rip out the plumbing, dig around the house, and generally do everything short of total demolishing.
8) Meanwhile, a seperate team of crack mold extermination experts come in. Recruited from an international selection of crack former SEALS, SAS, and SPETSNAZ troops, they go in with orders to take out the mold by any means necessary.
9) New foundations are poured, roofs are put in, decks rebuilt, electrical and plumbing systems rewired. Arcane terms like "vapor barriers" and "weeping tile" are conjured out of thin air, sounding more like something from an AD&D spellbook than actual building terms. Any structural falls, like missing load-bearing walls, cracked joists, and insufficient bracing, are found, commented upon, and repaired, This is usually done with a tone of voice and manner suggesting there's a few foundations around the Toronto area, with the bodies of those contractors who were found wanting, stuffed underneath.
10) Blue mold-resistant wood and drywall, looking like it was formed from the crushed bodies of millions of smurfs, is brought in and used for framing and walls. It has one purpose - death to all mold. It is merciless. It is pitiless. Any errant spore that touches this stuff will meet with a horrible, painful death.
11) The areas are repainted, reroofed, and restored to a condition and appearance that wouldn't be out of place on the International Space Station.
12) The now-decontaminated owners are then returned to Starbase Single-Family, formerly the deathtrap they barely survived. They blink in stunned disbelief at the high-tech, energy-saving enclosure that they now reside in.
13) The owners take a solemn oath upon the bones of Mike Holmes' ancestors that they will never never never never ever even think about buying another home without finding some uber-inspector approved by Mike Holmes and the Legion of Super Builders.
14) The show ends with the owners showing thanks and tributes upon Holmes and his team for rescuing them from the toxic oatmeal that was their home.
It's not the kind of show I usually like, but for some reason I do.