BadFiction - a look at bad movies and worse politics

Bad Movie Review - The Star Wars Holiday Special

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(Knock knock.....)

"Yeah?"

"Hey, Patrick. It's your conscience."

"Oh hey, how's it going. Here, have a diet Barq's."

"That's nice. Now, about Bad Fiction...."

"What about it?"

"You know, it's supposed to be bad movies and worse politics. Seems like lately you've been all about the politics."

"Sigh. Yeah, I know. I need to do a review. I haven't done one since "The Violent Years"

"Now."

"Okay, I'll fire up the DVD player and start "The Touch of Satan" then. That should do it".

"No. You know which one."

"Space Mutiny?" "Evil Alien Conquerors"?

"No. You know which one. It's got Mark Hamil in it".

Bad Movie Review - The Violent Years

For a while I've shied away from reviewing movies that were on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, because that's quite frankly like shooting puppies in a barrel. At least tip the barrel over and give the puppies a running start.

When the movie in question is written by Ed Wood, Jr. you have to accept that the puppies were dead before the barrel was tipped over. So is the case with the 1956 movie "The Violent Years."

We start off with a judge who looks like he hasn't had a bowel movement since the Theodore Roosevelt administration, haranging two parents in his courtroom. Tearfully the mother thinks "where did we go wrong". My guess is picking up the phone call from your agent. But that's the cue for flashback city.

Seems the couple in question are a well-known pair around down. Daddy is the publisher of a newspaper. Mommy is well known for her charity work. And then there's their daughter, Paula, bright, sassy - and bored out of her blond mind. (Paula is played by Jean Moorhead, an early Playboy Playmate)

Note for today

No update today due to my having to renew my CPR and First Aid certs.

So what bad movie would I review next??

1) Touch of Satan
2) Space Mutiny
3) Legacy of Blood
4) The Star Wars Holiday Special

Bad Movie Review - The Harrad Experiment

There's a few movies in my Bad Movie collection that have been waiting, like spores of anthrax, waiting to inflict themselves on my memories. When the movie is based on a book I've read, it makes the experience even more questionable. When the movie is based on a book with a cult following, well…….

In 1966, Robert Rimmer released a book called "The Harrad Experiment". This is considered by some to be an early book on the subject of open sexuality and non-monogamy. I remember reading it in my late teens - early 20's. And thinking it was moderately preachy and dull then. When I read it a decade or so later, I had much the same reaction.

So the question becomes how does the 1973 movie cook the book down to 93 minutes? The answer, poorly.

The movie starts with a young woman in a heavy coat walking though an open gate. She looks at the sign on at the gate - Harrad College. Yep, that must be the right place. She finds her dorm room, drops her bags and slips off her coat, showing the cotton mini-dress she's wearing. She then slips outside and starts to walk around, eventually hugging a huge oak tree.

At that point, you expect the heavens to open and rain down granola.

Bad Movie Review - A Polish Vampire in Burbank

When I reviewed "Barn of the Blood Llama", a friend of mine said "there IS a worse movie than "A Polish Vampire in Burbank".

Welll, I'm here today to say that while "BotBL" still holds the bad movie title, "A Polish Vampire in Burbank" ranks right down there alright. Flashbacks to 80's hair included. Written by, directed, and starred in by Mark Pirro, and shot in Super 8 with the entire soundtrack done in post on a budget of $2500, the movie tells the story of Dupah.

Bad Movie Review - Night of the Lepus

Night of the Lepus is a classic in the genre of really bad movies. Made in 1972, this cult classic has a strong cast of "B" actors, good special effects, good acting, and it's obvious that MGM really sunk some money into it. It's reputation is such it footage even showed up in "The Matrix", "Pulp Fiction", and "Natural Born Killers", The actors include Stuart Whitman, Janet Leigh, Rory Calhoun, and DeForest Kelley. And it was requested by a lot of MST3K fans to appear, but they could never get the rights for it.

So with all that behind it, the movie suffers from one overwhelming fatal flaw. There is no way on Earth you can giant killer rabbits appear threatening. It can't be done.

Bad Movie Review - Wizards of the Demon Sword

I started to watch Wizards of the Demon Sword, and couldn't get much past "wow, this movie sucks".

So, rather than watch it alone, I brought in the help of experienced bad movie watchers Julie and Ismarc. Who may forgive me someday.

Wizards of the Demon Sword opens with a woman clad in a surplus "Logan's Run" mini-dress running across the desolate Vasquez Rocks Natural Area Park while chased by three generic henchmen on horseback. She seems to either be enjoying her running a bit TOO much, or they accidently used the special effects CD from the same porno film they got a good chunk of the extras. After a few more breathy gasps and moans, she's wanders in a circle, runs TOWARD the lead bad guy, lets out a few more orgasms, and gets captured in a net. Right around now the generic fantasy film guidelines require that the mysterious sword-wielding hero appear.

And so he does, in all his blow-dried glory.

Right about now, the audience of this movie will want to give in to the temptation to shove knitting needles into their ears to escape the GOD-AWFUL dialog. This movie doesn't need a dialog coach, it needs a dialog intensive care ward. Or maybe actors who's primary skills aren't on the casting couch.

Bad Movie Review - The Apple

I had heard of this bit of film while I was in Doha, so of course had to order it. Until now, the DVD has been sitting in my collection, wrapped, waiting, like a glittery cyst waiting to burst over our senses in sequined slime. Finally, it burst badly. Indeed, the seventh seal was broken, and out rode madness. And lo, madness wore lycra and sequins, and rode a triangular horse. And on it's mascaraed face, the mark of evil, the mark of BIM.

It turns out that when you gaze into the face of disco madness, the disco abyss gazes back at you. And the face is the heavily made-up face of this movie.

Bad Movie Review - The Calamari Wrestler

Ah, illness. When fevers, joint aches, and undue amounts of cough syrup allow one to catch up with their video collection.

At times, this can be enjoyable. At other times, the sheer "WTF moments" make one's movie seem a figment of the medicine. Surely the human mind didn't actually FILM that, did they??

Then there's Japan. Now, I'm an admitted Nipponophile. I adore sushi, enjoy finding cool stuff in Japanese stores, have more than a fair share of Japanese toys. I'm a Pocky addict, love anime, and grew up watching Japanese sendai live-action shows.

This doesn't change the fact that there is something deeply, disturbingly *wrong* in the Japanese mindset. This live-action move, "The Calamari Wrestler" (Ika Resuraa) is an example of this, a heartwarming, uplifting story about a person achieving their dream of being the Pro Wrestling champion of Japan, despite the disability of being turned into a giant squid......

Bad Movie Review - Dagon

(Fixed a formatting problem. Ooops!)

Well, I finally watched "Dagon", which is somewhat losely based on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Horror of Insmouth"

The movie starts with the main character, Paul Marsh, swiming up to this giant eye-shaped hole in the ocean floor. While examining the structure, he comes across a raven-haired, rather cute looking, pretty much topless mermaid, who takes his dive mask off - and then lunges at him with a mouthful of shark-like teeth. He then wakes up.

Turns out Paul, his ladyfriend Barbara, and two older, rich friends (Howard and Vicki), are on a boat off the Spanish coast. Barbara attempts to calm him down by getting playful, he starts to fret over business, she gets pissed off and tosses his laptop into the ocean.

Soon after this temper-tantrum, the skies grew dark, the seas grew rough, and the boat sails on and on and on. Oops, sorry, was channeling "H.R. Puffnstuf" there. Anyway, they try to sail out the area, but get pitched onto the rocks, pinning Vicki's leg down in a slowly sinking boat. Paul and Barbara offer to take the dinghy and sail for the nearby town, while Howard stays with Vicki.