BadFiction - a look at bad movies and worse politics

Bad Movie Review - A Polish Vampire in Burbank

When I reviewed "Barn of the Blood Llama", a friend of mine said "there IS a worse movie than "A Polish Vampire in Burbank".

Welll, I'm here today to say that while "BotBL" still holds the bad movie title, "A Polish Vampire in Burbank" ranks right down there alright. Flashbacks to 80's hair included. Written by, directed, and starred in by Mark Pirro, and shot in Super 8 with the entire soundtrack done in post on a budget of $2500, the movie tells the story of Dupah.

Bad Movie Review - Night of the Lepus

Night of the Lepus is a classic in the genre of really bad movies. Made in 1972, this cult classic has a strong cast of "B" actors, good special effects, good acting, and it's obvious that MGM really sunk some money into it. It's reputation is such it footage even showed up in "The Matrix", "Pulp Fiction", and "Natural Born Killers", The actors include Stuart Whitman, Janet Leigh, Rory Calhoun, and DeForest Kelley. And it was requested by a lot of MST3K fans to appear, but they could never get the rights for it.

So with all that behind it, the movie suffers from one overwhelming fatal flaw. There is no way on Earth you can giant killer rabbits appear threatening. It can't be done.

Bad Movie Review - Wizards of the Demon Sword

I started to watch Wizards of the Demon Sword, and couldn't get much past "wow, this movie sucks".

So, rather than watch it alone, I brought in the help of experienced bad movie watchers Julie and Ismarc. Who may forgive me someday.

Wizards of the Demon Sword opens with a woman clad in a surplus "Logan's Run" mini-dress running across the desolate Vasquez Rocks Natural Area Park while chased by three generic henchmen on horseback. She seems to either be enjoying her running a bit TOO much, or they accidently used the special effects CD from the same porno film they got a good chunk of the extras. After a few more breathy gasps and moans, she's wanders in a circle, runs TOWARD the lead bad guy, lets out a few more orgasms, and gets captured in a net. Right around now the generic fantasy film guidelines require that the mysterious sword-wielding hero appear.

And so he does, in all his blow-dried glory.

Right about now, the audience of this movie will want to give in to the temptation to shove knitting needles into their ears to escape the GOD-AWFUL dialog. This movie doesn't need a dialog coach, it needs a dialog intensive care ward. Or maybe actors who's primary skills aren't on the casting couch.

Bad Movie Review - The Apple

I had heard of this bit of film while I was in Doha, so of course had to order it. Until now, the DVD has been sitting in my collection, wrapped, waiting, like a glittery cyst waiting to burst over our senses in sequined slime. Finally, it burst badly. Indeed, the seventh seal was broken, and out rode madness. And lo, madness wore lycra and sequins, and rode a triangular horse. And on it's mascaraed face, the mark of evil, the mark of BIM.

It turns out that when you gaze into the face of disco madness, the disco abyss gazes back at you. And the face is the heavily made-up face of this movie.

Bad Movie Review - The Calamari Wrestler

Ah, illness. When fevers, joint aches, and undue amounts of cough syrup allow one to catch up with their video collection.

At times, this can be enjoyable. At other times, the sheer "WTF moments" make one's movie seem a figment of the medicine. Surely the human mind didn't actually FILM that, did they??

Then there's Japan. Now, I'm an admitted Nipponophile. I adore sushi, enjoy finding cool stuff in Japanese stores, have more than a fair share of Japanese toys. I'm a Pocky addict, love anime, and grew up watching Japanese sendai live-action shows.

This doesn't change the fact that there is something deeply, disturbingly *wrong* in the Japanese mindset. This live-action move, "The Calamari Wrestler" (Ika Resuraa) is an example of this, a heartwarming, uplifting story about a person achieving their dream of being the Pro Wrestling champion of Japan, despite the disability of being turned into a giant squid......

Bad Movie Review - Dagon

(Fixed a formatting problem. Ooops!)

Well, I finally watched "Dagon", which is somewhat losely based on H.P. Lovecraft's "The Horror of Insmouth"

The movie starts with the main character, Paul Marsh, swiming up to this giant eye-shaped hole in the ocean floor. While examining the structure, he comes across a raven-haired, rather cute looking, pretty much topless mermaid, who takes his dive mask off - and then lunges at him with a mouthful of shark-like teeth. He then wakes up.

Turns out Paul, his ladyfriend Barbara, and two older, rich friends (Howard and Vicki), are on a boat off the Spanish coast. Barbara attempts to calm him down by getting playful, he starts to fret over business, she gets pissed off and tosses his laptop into the ocean.

Soon after this temper-tantrum, the skies grew dark, the seas grew rough, and the boat sails on and on and on. Oops, sorry, was channeling "H.R. Puffnstuf" there. Anyway, they try to sail out the area, but get pitched onto the rocks, pinning Vicki's leg down in a slowly sinking boat. Paul and Barbara offer to take the dinghy and sail for the nearby town, while Howard stays with Vicki.

Capcom...

04 06 44 45 LMP (EAGLE) - 100 feet, 3 1/2 down, 9 forward. Five percent.
04 06 44 51 LMP (EAGLE) ...
04 06 44 54 LMP (EAGLE) - Okay. 75 feet. There's looking good. Down a half, 6 forward.
04 06 45 02 CC - 60 seconds.
04 06 45 04 LMP (EAGLE) - Lights on. ...
04 06 45 08 LMP (EAGLE) - Down 2 1/2. Forward. Forward. Good.
04 06 45 17 LMP (EAGLE) - 40 feet, down 2 1/2. Kicking up some dust.
04 06 45 21 LMP (EAGLE) - 30 feet, 2 1/2 down. Faint shadow.
04 06 45 25 LMP (EAGLE) - 4 forward. 4 forward. Drifting to the right a little. Okay. Down a half.
04 06 45 31 CC - 30 seconds.
04 06 45 32 CDR (EAGLE) - Forward drift?
04 06 45 33 LMP (EAGLE) - Yes.
04 06 45 34 LMP (EAGLE) - Okay.
04 06 45 40 LMP (EAGLE) - CONTACT LIGHT.
04 06 45 43 LMP (EAGLE) - Okay. ENGINE STOP.
04 06 45 45 LMP (EAGLE) - ACA - out of DETENT.
04 06 45 46 CDR (EAGLE) - Out of DETENT.
04 06 45 47 LMP (EAGLE) - MODE CONTROL - both AUTO. DESCENT ENGINE COMMAND OVERRIDE - OFF. ENGINE ARM - OFF.
04 06 45 52 LMP (EAGLE) - 413 is in.
04 06 45 57 CC - We copy you down, Eagle.
04 06 45 59 CDR (TRANQ) - Houston, Tranquility Base here.
04 06 46 04 CDR (TRANQ) - The Eagle Has Landed.
04 06 46 06 CC - Roger, Tranquility. We copy you on the ground. You got a bunch of guys about to turn blue. We're breathing again. Thanks a lot.

Bad Movie Review - The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine

Let me write up a review of this 1973 nunsploitation film.....

First off, the DVD quality was good, and Redemption Films is getting a good rep at quality releases of really sleazy B movies. "The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine" is a prime example of their fare. And the redemption flms short at the front may have been better than the movie.

"SNoSV" starts off with a man in white on horseback, being chased by some guardsman. He's unhorsed, having been shot in the arm, and gets into a swordfight with the guards. After one of the more pitful sword fights I've seen on film, he's victorious. He flees into a local convent, St. Valentine, where it just so happens the groundskeeper knows him.

Seems our hero, Esteban, has been framed for killing a bishop, and has been declared a murderer and a heretic. And it just so happens that the convent happens to have his beloved, Lucita, who was placed there by her father in punishment for wanting to marry Esteban. How lucky. Anyway, Esteban is hidden away to recover from his wound, (though he never seems to get a clean shirt, because he wears the same torn shirt with a bright red bloodstain for half the freaking movie.)

After finding out that her beloved is there, and checking on his safety, Lucita goes back to her cell, to find another novice keeping her bed warm. The naked novice, Josefa, does her best to seduce Lucita, but Lucita resists her attempt and lies there, still and unmoving.

The next day, we're treated to the senior nuns whipping a topless nun for some unspecified transgression. Josefa seems to get off on watching the Abbess whipping the other nun, as the Mother Superior later asks her to report to her for special counciling. Josefa later sees the Abbess, runs into her arms - and is rather unconvincingly stabbed to death.

Bad Movie Review - Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Note: While the movie isn't negative about religion, it may offend some people. A sense of humour is really required for it.

Wow. Okay, it's not *quite* "Barn of the Blood Llama" bad, but it's up there. But bad in an amusing way. An interesting use of C$40,000.

(Research post-movie reveals that there's a genre of b-movies referred to as "Canuxploitation" Further research of this genre is called for. Any volunteer watchers??)

The movie starts out with a crazy man looking like the love child of Rasputin and Jack T. Chick, ranting about themes in Christianity. He pops up at irregular points in the movie, in much the same way that the narrator in "Rocky Horror Picture Show" does.

We then get a vampiress taking down a cleaning lady and stealing her car. Based on the smile on the cleaning lady's face and the way the vampiress was licking her ear, it seemed to be an enjoyable death. The vampiress takes the car and drives off into the sunrise.

Yes, you read that right, sunrise. This will be important later.

Bad Movie Review - The Devil's Rain

For years I've heard of this example of cinema sleezeloaf, and I have to say, it was every bit as bad as expected.

Not as bad as "Barn of the Blood Llama" - it takes a lot to get that bad.

However, any movie that stars Ernest Borgnine, Tom Skerrit, Eddie Albert, William Shatner, Ida Lupino, Keenan Wynn, and John Travolta, isn't going to be exactly great cinema. You would expect wooden acting.

And you'd be right. The acting ranges though the entire line of wood products, from "Plywood" to "Cardboard", with side trips into particle board. Only Borgnine turns in a good performance, chewing up the lines and stage in a way that makes you wonder how much he's enjoying himself in this role. Then again, with both Borgnine and Shatner in this movie, it's amazing if there's any scenery in it that doesn't have tooth marks.

You also get the idea that the "technical advisor", Anton LaVey, was laughing all the way to the bank, at the load of utter crap he tossed into it.